After the kids go to bed, my wife and I Netflix and snore. After disagreeing on what to watch...
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A lot of wives give their husbands honey-do lists. I get a honey-don't list. I don't have a problem with that.
These days A.S.A.P. means: As Soon As my Preschooler lets me. (Which is basically never!)
Second wind? By the time my kids go to bed, I'm on my fifteenth wind. At 7:00 pm.
Zero. That's the number of days this year that everyone in my family has been 100% healthy all at the same time.
Watching the Royal Wedding... Me: Honey, am I your royal prince? Her: You're my royal pain-in-the-ass.
You know what channel really needs a scrolling score ticker? Nick Jr. -- and I'm also looking at you, Disney Channel.
My wife took the kids to In-N-Out while I was at work. I'd feel less betrayed if she had an affair.
Them: Are you watching the game tonight? Me: Only if it's on Nick Jr. (Kids suck)
You don't tell your daughters about American Girl, I won't tell my daughters about American Girl, and we'll all get through this together. Deal?