9 things I didn’t see coming as a first-time dad

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Fatherhood is an interesting stage in life where you trade in spontaneous adventures and drinks with friends for unexpected messes and utter exhaustion. Throw in lots of jokes and you’re officially a dad. There’s a lot of things a first-time dad will learn about having a little bundle of joy, but it might be helpful to go in knowing what to expect.

Here are nine things I didn’t see coming as a first-time dad.

1. Your appetite will change.

After scooping your child’s poop out of the bath tub, take-out sushi doesn’t really taste as good.

2. You’ll feel like a magician.

If you’re going to get a saltwater fish tank, save yourself the trouble of teaching your kids about death, and get a spare fish tank with matching fish to hide in the back of the closet.

3. You’ll learn what sacrifices truly are.

If you’re holding a sleeping baby on a plane and have to choose between the excruciating pain of no blood running to your legs and waking the baby, choose the pain.

4. You’ll learn to always assume it’s poop.

If there’s even a one in a million shot that what you’re looking at is poop, then it’s definitely poop. Don’t taste it. It’s not chocolate.

5. You’ll never feel fully rested again.

Remember when you were single and stayed up all night to party and weren’t even tired the next day? You’ll never have that feeling again.

6. You’ll constantly need to protect your family jewels.

Regardless of mathematical impossibility of the physics of whatever situation you’re in, your child will always find a way to hit you in the groin.

7. Math won’t make sense anymore.

After changing so many diapers in a day, and then multiplying that times the number of children on earth, you’ll wonder how it’s even possible to dispose of so many diapers on the planet and where they go. Don’t! It’s one of the great mysteries of our civilization and it should stay that way. Logic ain’t got nothing to do with it.

8. You’ll need to limit your social appearances.

One birthday party a day is my personal limit. Otherwise, you’ll be dealing with a “cake and ice cream overdose” come bed time. Try to choose the one where you at least know the parent’s first names and they’re not serving crappy pizza.

9. Everything you buy should be washable.

Although the words “permanent marker” used to be a selling point, they are now a warning. Hide them well.

Jamie Kaler

An accomplished actor, comic, host, voice-over artist, and radio personality, Jamie Kaler is best known for his starring role as “Mike” on the hit TBS show, My Boys. His prolific acting career includes appearances on Friends, Will and Grace, How I Met Your Mother, Parenthood, and King of Queens, as well as numerous films and over 150 commercials. He is currently the host of America: Facts vs. Fiction on the American Heroes Channel, which is entering it’s third season, and has his own radio show on SiriusXM named Kaler. As a voice-over artist he is the voice of the "Bloopers Host” on the cult classic Robot Chicken and has been the national spokesperson for Carnival Cruise Lines.

Originally from New Hampshire, Jamie graduated from Boston University on an NROTC scholarship and served as an officer in the U.S. Navy before beginning his career as a performer. As a comedian he was one of the new faces at the Just for Laughs Festival in Montreal and has appeared on Chelsea Lately, The Late Late Show, Live at Gotham, Mock-pocalypse, and World’s Dumbest.

When not working, he is obeying every command of his wife, Kate, and two daughters, Hannah and Claire.

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