I know deep down my wife loves me... But on a day to day basis, I'm not even sure she likes me.
When my wife says that she's finally ready to leave the house, I know that I have 17 minutes before we actually go. And 18 minutes before she has to go pee.
My father used to say, "If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you?" Now that you're a father, "If everyone else went to the beach on the 4th of July, would you?"
My wife says I can't smoke around the kids, so I put them outside! Our latest meme contest winner. Want to participate? Join our DadLands Facebook group.
When a kid falls asleep anywhere, in any position, it's cute. But when a dad does it, he has a drinking problem? Maybe he's just really tired!
In my wife's defense, when the priest said, "... in sickness and in health", I think she heard, "... in richness and in wealth." It wouldn’t be the first time.
My wife will keeep a candle, some seashells, potpourri, and a Judy Blume book on the back of the toilet, but spare rolls of toilet paper need to be kept in the garage.
3 a.m. Before kids: "I'll sleep when I die!" After kids: "Can you die from no sleep?" Asking for a friend. And myself.
A man will spend $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will spend $1 for a $2 item she doesn't need. Pretty sure both are wrong.
My wife seems to want to have nothing to do with me, until I make other plans. And then she can't live without me.
The DadLands Podcast
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