We ended our crazy two month tour in Vegas. Great weekend but I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you it’s nice to be home. I came back with a ton of memories and an extra 15 pounds. Not the healthiest lifestyle and I now have the utmost respect for anyone who makes a living as a stand-up comic. It is grueling! More on that to follow.

Mike and I would like to thank all of the fans who came out to make the shows as great as they were. And a special thanks to Olivia Paige who could not have been nicer or more gracious. She was not only beautiful but completely charming and really funny.

Have you ever been somewhere that makes you realize you have absolutely no sense of time? Not just within a half hour, but whether there will be daylight when you raise that shade. I’m on the return plane from our USO tour of Japan and Guam and I have absolutely no idea of “when”. It’s kind of liberating in a way but I fear there will be retribution when I try to integrate myself back into society. 

Let me back up. Roughly 7 or 8 days ago, depending on which side of the International Date Line you’re on, I left a gig in Denver to set off on my sojourn to entertain the troops. I didn’t take it very seriously. After all, I’ve done shows at Bowling Alleys, Youth Hostels, even a laundromat, so what was the big deal. The USO would fly me over. I’d play a couple of bases and shoot back in time for my gig at the San Francisco Punchline. 

Well, I feel like Martin Sheen did when he went up river in Apocalypse Now and I feel like I’ve come out a better man. Yes, I am physically crushed. I would get sleep in two hour increments whenever I could. My body would rebel and question why I would be laying down to sleep when surely it was 11 AM back in LA. My lack of math skills would rear it’s ugly head as I tried to calculate the hour back home. It’s plus 16 from the east coast minus yesterday. What? Phone calls were $2.29 a minute, but only if you called ahead and bought the international package. I had 50 texts for $10.00 and then they were ten cents a piece. 

I feel like I’ve been run through a dryer with a bag full of hockey pucks. I had camper lockdown for a couple of days where my body begged for the rhythm of my morning Go-Lean Crunch and a cup of coffee. I grossly misjudged the humidity level and didn’t account for the number of underwear per day. But none of it matters. I feel like a million bucks. Yes, I see a serious cold hitting me this week. You know that post travel illness that hits you right when your body thinks it’s going to make it. It was all worth it.

For one week I got to show the troops that everyone back home hasn’t forgotten about them. One week to let them know that we realize that they don’t make policy but that they are willing and able to carry out any mission our elected officials dlegate for them. And sometimes that can be a pretty shitty job. One week where I actually felt like more of patriot than the 5 years I actually spent in the navy. 

When I left for the trip, I actually thought I was going to pop in for a show or two while I got to visit Japan. Then zip down to Guam for a little R and R and take in some scuba.Ha!  None of that happened. All I did for one week was travel and visit the troops. I landed in Tokyo yet never saw it. I landed in Nagasaki, but never saw it. Plane, Airport, Bus, …repeat. And it couldn’t have turned out better. 

The gratitiude I experienced over the past 7 days was remarkable. If you’ve never served it’s hard to imagine the life. A foreign port offers little in the ways of home comforts. They do the best they can. There were McDonald’s, Subway, and Starbuck’s. But when you’re a small US port that sits near one of the two cities that were targeted for nuclear weapons, there still must be some sense of isolation. 

Most of the troops stationed overseas are there for at least a few years and rarely make it back to the states to see family a little, if at all. many are seperated from their wives and children for the duration. So, when anyone comes to entertain them they are blown away. It was remarkable. The shows were great, but the times I’ll remember most were the visits to the bases where you got a chance to spend time with the actual troops on their mess deck, in their flight tower, or on their aricraft. They are amazing people. Okay, there was one drunk sailor we had to eject from our show in Sasebo. But we’re comics and what were the chances we would get though four shows without a heckler? Absolutely none.

I honestly can’t wait to do it again. I need to throw out a special thanks to our tour manager for the trip, Jeremy Wilcox, and our publicist, Tess Finkle who made the trip go off without a hitch. If you’re ever looking for a great charity to support, you can’t do any better than the USO. Thanks again and we’ll see you next time at the next base.